They know they screwed up and they want to move forward. They are tired of being punished. They want this all to go away as quickly as possible. So, they clam up. They would rather avoid this and are making the mistake of remaining tight lipped and cold. Who goes and looks for that? So what do you do? Well, for some cheating spouses, they are already on the way out the door and you will never get remorse. All blame for their character flaws and poor choices will be fully shifted to you.
They will not take shared responsibility for the affair ever, and thus, will never feel and show true remorse. For some of you, the affair really was a direct result of your actions as a spouse. Few will be sorry if they had an affair on a truly shitty spouse. However, for the majority of cheaters, you will get the remorse. Maybe not exactly as you wish it or when you wish it, but it will come. For those spouses, there is hope. First, you must make it clear that you need your spouse to show remorse in order to heal and move on.
In order for your marriage to heal, the cheater must own his or her active part in the wrong-doing before he or she can have feelings of guilt. And they need to show it and state it as a precursor to healing and forgiveness. Make it very clear that this is not going to begin to go away until he starts talking.
Be Patient. I absolutely understand why you want and need to see some remorse. And no one wants to go through this kind of humiliation and pain again. But it may be important for you to understand that much of the time, a lack of remorse is actually just posturing. They have a lot of feelings to work through and you need to support this, not pinch it off. Remorse initially may just be a way of stopping the yelling and getting you off their back while they are in a living hell of your fury and anger. This sometimes only comes later. With distance. Understanding of themselves and of the situation they got themselves into.
Only if they feel that they can share their deepest, most vulnerable feelings to you without fear are they likely to recognize the horrible thing they did to you and to themselves. Support it with patience, even if you feel anger. You do deserve it and you should continue to ask for it. Actually, some of the most indignant and seemingly non caring spouses can be rehabilitated, can eventually coaxed to release their remorse once they feel safe to do so.
Sometimes, it is all in the way you say things. But at the end of the day, does it really matter how you get what you want? If certain words, phrases, or approaches will get the remorse that you want, then to me, the end justifies the means. Your partner may be suffering immensely on the inside, or may be in a state of denial regarding his or her actions. I had been ruminating on this one for a while. Took me some time to do the research and put some thoughts together. It basically falls in line with a betrayed spouse needing to learn acceptance and forgiveness, and being able to show it to the other… I think we can all feel these things, we might have some idea, or maybe even know what they look like in practice or expression… but we dont always know quite how to get there… or what the other person needs to see to be able to believe its real or not… i guess the thing is, first we have to get over ourselves….
Reblogged this on secondthoughtstwice and commented: So ladies having affairs are you remorseful? Reblogged this on It won't always be bad… and commented: I thought this was really great, cleared some of the things i was thinking myself, trying to understand both of our processes and how they clashed… while you just wanna lock them down and keep an eye on their every move and make sure each step is exactly in the direction you want it… i needed a better reminder, a better way of remembering to give him his space to sort his own shit out, because he cant do his part to help me sort mine until hes not, well.
I think you have excellent insight and a straightforward way of sharing your thoughts that make it easy for a reader to understand. Yours is one of the BEST!
- 10 Things Your Cheating Spouse Doesn't Want You To Know | HuffPost Canada.
- Not everyone has regrets.;
- 10 Things Your Cheating Spouse Doesn't Want You To Know?
You inspired me and because of the courage I found within your blog, healing for me took on a meaning, as I began my own blog. You are so welcome! My life is filled with new habits and thoughts not the self defeating kind. I just began school to get my real estate license I always wanted to and I am facing life with a new attitude and outlook! Because when your life gets so low the only way to look is UP! Thanks again. Thank you.
I have to say this. To you, it may have come out of the blue. This in no way is a disparagement of you. There were issues. Big ones. Thank you for your objective points of view.
Cheating Spouse Shows No Remorse: Forgive or Leave?
Reading your blog is aiding me in putting my own thoughts and emotions into perspective. Five months ago my spouse and I separated he then confessed to having an affair eight years ago and to having sexual relations with multiple others between the initial affair and when we separated.
Yes he was with someone two weeks before we separated at which time we were in counseling as I had suspected him for some time but he kept denying it which lead me to request a divorce resulting in couple counseling with an older couple from our church during which time he was claiming he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. During his confession which was done in front of this couple one of whom he had previously confessed to he claimed he would take full responsibility.
This is not a good idea! Then how does the cheater go as far as they do before the reality of the damage they wreak smacks them across the face? Then, then has the audacity to only shed a tear because they were caught red-handed.
Do they have deep-seeded personality disorder, are they a sociopath? By now I have seen similar patterns of how she handles adversity. When she did not like her jobs she just stopped showing up and fed me the excuse they were not giving her hours. When she hung out with friends late she would ignore my calls and texts. For her it has been easier to run than face issues head on. Some gossipy girls at work frequently talked about their jealousy of all the special projects she participated in.
The gossip and talking behind her back bothered her, but instead of confronting them she let it go. The problem never ceased, instead she quit. So when life got dull and the romance of our relationship began to fade how else should I have expected her to react? Check out how I handle being cheated on by a wife who lacks remorse and has no regret. Click ebook: Download. We walked across the Golden Gate Bridge together, sipped wine in Sonoma County, held my niece in our arms the day she was born, prepared numerous home dinners together.
She had grown sad for a long while, missed her family from back home, missed the big city life she was used to. I let her travel to New York on small trips to get over her sadness while I patiently looked and hoped for a new strategy to work our relationship out. On some occasions I believe she was, other times, looks like she was just enjoying the company of the OP. It makes no difference. Their circle of friends up there had no idea who she really was and her life down here.
I drove her to and from work, made sure my schedule lined up with hers and produced a sharp enough resume that resulted in 3 invitations for flight attendant jobs.
Confessions: This Is What I Felt After I Cheated on My Wife | Fatherly
But how is that an excuse to live a second life and leave me clueless and alone? How can you show no signs of remorse for living with another man leaving me in a dead-end relationship? I would have been living a lie for months or maybe longer. There comes a time when you must let go. There comes a time where all the good times and what happened before no longer matters.
Maybe she does have a serious personality disorder? Not so sure she is a sociopath with no feelings for others when she feels the world or me works against her. I found a great site for information on describing the warning signs. I guess what does it matter right now? Perhaps her possesses a cheater personality. Read my most popular post about the serial cheater profile.
GINR can't remember. Real remorse understands that repairing a relationship after infidelity is a long haul with dubious prospects. GINR wants you to "get over it" already because hey, it said it was sorry. See Humility. Real remorse wears the shame. Real remorse takes responsibility for the fallout. Real remorse is okay if you tell people, because you need the support. GINR wants you to protect its image. GINR blameshifts and says "we all brought issues to this marriage that made me cheat. Real remorse understands that reconciliation is a risky investment.
Help for ending an affair, healing, and other notes from my personal wreckage
GINR wants you to assume all that risk and how dare you ask for any assurances, because don't you trust me? Real remorse puts its money where its mouth is with a post-nup with an infidelity clause. A completely useless document if the cheater never cheats again, which of course, only the cheater has control over.
Real remorse gives you a credit report on itself, listing all the P. Real remorse pays your legal bill. Real remorse compensates you and your children for every dime spent on the affair s. Real remorse recognizes that there are financial and time losses as real as the emotional ones. Time and heartbreak cannot be recompensed. Money can.